I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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