How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
