why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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