can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
