i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
