hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I cannot find my penis.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
