Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
