Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
