yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
