No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
