Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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