Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize