Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
