Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
