News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
