the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
