My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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