Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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