the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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