Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
