if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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