As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
