He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
