Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
