fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
