Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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