My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
