Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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