Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
