Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
