Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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