So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
