She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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