So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
