theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
