I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
