I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
How's work?
Spinning.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Randomize
