yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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