My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
