im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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