Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I want to fling myself into the sun
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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