Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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