if i died would you start the facebook group?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
