he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
