I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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