A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
