I just pynch a tree in the face
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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