well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
