It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
