on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
