also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I need to calm my uterus...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
