I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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