god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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