I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
