i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
