Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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