i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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