wakey wakey hands off snakey
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
