whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
